Relationship Rx

Experts weigh in on starting, ending and improving the relationships in your life

By Kathy Megan

Here are some tips for people with relationships on their mind — whether it’s ending, improving or starting one.

Is it over?

If you’re feeling fear, distrust, contempt or a lack of respect, major work is in order, says Donna Ferber, a psychotherapist in Farmington, Conn., who specializes in life transitions. She suggests therapy as soon as possible.

“The longer you wait to go the doctor, the harder the cure,” she says. “If you think something is wrong, chances are it is.”

Of course, if violence or abuse is present, a partner should get help as soon as possible.

Another take on this comes from Nancy Brockett, a licensed professional counselor in West Hartford, Conn.

“If every time you are thinking about the relationship, there is a dread that comes over you, that’s an indication that it’s probably not what you are really wanting,” Brockett says. “If there is a sense of life when you are thinking about your relationship, a spark, even a small spark, then you are wanting to check that out.”

When to tie (or untie) the knot

Peter Kane, a licensed clinical social worker in New Haven, Conn., advises: Consider your ability to listen and talk to each other.

Says Kane: “Does the relationship make you feel more productive and energetic in other places in your life as well? Does the relationship help you, not strain you?”

One of the biggest mistakes people make, Ferber says, is to think “if we get married, he’ll settle down” or “he won’t yell as much.”

If a relationship changes after marriage, it is usually for the worse.

Generally, she says, “what you see is what you get.”

What about you?

Take a close look at yourself and really decide whether you are being the person you want to be, Kane advises.

Ask yourself, “Would I want to be married to me?”

This may be difficult to approach honestly because so often people are convinced that it’s their partner who is making life so hard for them.

Recognizing your role in the situation is key to improving it.

Getting over a breakup

Realize it will take some time, Ferber advises. Take time to understand what you both did wrong.

“Give yourself time to be alone,” she says, and don’t let well-meaning friends and family push you into dating before you are ready.

If you’re recovering from divorce, Ferber says, realize that it’s an evolving process and that it’s not just the loss of your spouse, it’s the loss of an entire lifestyle. Make sure you eat well, get enough sleep, and avoid alcohol and drugs.

Try something new, but don’t make drastic changes. Try a new exercise class, for instance, but don’t suddenly quit your job and move across the country.

“You can’t run away from the problem,” says Ferber.

Meeting someone new

Tell all your friends you want to meet someone, Ferber says. Get involved in activities that you enjoy or support; this will lead to meeting like-minded people.

For instance, you may want to volunteer for a group that helps others, or work for a political campaign or try a new sport. Online dating is also an option.

Source: Chicago Tribune