Lecture offers relationship advice

By Thomas Dewick

Lehigh’s very own professor of love, Quiana Daniel, met with students in the Peak Performance Center of Johnson Hall on Wednesday to discuss how to maintain a healthy relationship in college.

Daniel, of the Office of Residence Life, covered the importance of communication, trust and mutual respect.

“Really happy relationships are based on deep friendship,” Daniel said, who is the resident coordinator for the McClintic-Marshall and Trembley Park dorms.

Students tried to figure out what they brought to a relationship. People conform to one of three coping styles at different times: the people pleaser, controller or avoider, Daniel said. People pleasers need approval to dim the threat of rejection while controllers resist other’s wishes and avoiders keep people at bay, she said.

Knowing which style one gravitates toward can help people understand their partner’s or their own mindset.

One key to a healthy relationship is paying attention to things one’s partner loves. People in a relationship do not necessarily need to have the same interests. They should, however, be curious about what is going on in the other’s life, Daniel said.

Daniel explained the importance of accepting one’s partner for who he or she is.

“No human being is going to be Prince Charming or Cinderella,” she said.

People seeking to change fundamental aspects of their partner’s personality would be better off reconsidering whether they are a good match in the first place.

It is important to remember that one has to think about someone else in how they spend their time, Daniel said. Sharing daily activities, even something like studying together, greatly strengthens a relationship.

Decision-making also becomes a shared process.

“If a couple doesn’t share power, there is an 81 percent chance that the relationship will become self-destructive,” Daniel said. Men often have a harder time letting partners make decisions for them.

Once a couple falls into a routine, the goal of the relationship should be to “create a story together,” Daniel said. In a healthy relationship, partners grow together and shape each other through shared experiences. It is also important to remember the good times, such as a first date.

Disagreements are inevitable, and most couples will fight, Daniel said. People should focus on how fights start. If a partner is aggressive, it may be a sign of deeper animosity. A softer approach towards disagreements is better for making a point.

“You will never know the honesty of a person,” Daniel said. Relationships are about taking a risk and placing trust in a partner. This process does not happen overnight, she said.

Source: The Brown And White