“Enhance Your Dating Experience…”

Interview With Bob Nicoll By Jessica Walker

With Spring in the air and Spring cleaning on my mind, I decided to write this months article on how you can Spring clean your dating profile. I know what your thinking, cleaning – that’s loads of fun (note the sarcasm!) but, what if that perfect match stops just short of sending you an email because you failed to communicate your desires clearly.  Well, no need to panic because I have interviewed the perfect person to help you develop your communication skills both on and offline.  His name is Bob Nicoll and he is featured in my latest article, “Empowering word choice will enhance your dating experience.” Scroll below to read it now.

Bob has a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology, a Master’s in Counseling and over thirty years experience studying word choice and articulation.  Bob has also been a counseling psychologist, a business owner/consultant, a motivational speaker, a sales trainer, restaurant owner, financial planner and a top sales manager.  As recent as last year, Bob authored “Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts”.  Since it’s release in October 2008, Bob sold copies in more then 15 countries making it a book that has “jumped the pond.”

Bob’s book is the main focus of the interview as it is “a comprehensive program that teaches you to enhance your communication skills with family members, friends, co-workers—anyone who is important to you. It helps you stay focused on your task and accomplish more goals because you are conveying your message, and articulating your thoughts in a clear, precise manner. You eliminate confusion and gain confidence in your message and ultimately attract more of what you want.”  To purchase a copy of Bob’s book and learn more about his program please visit, www.remembertheice.com.

Oh and lastly, Bob is no stranger to Internet dating but you’ll have to read the interview to learn more about that.

Until next month, here’s to keeping you Safer in the City!

- Jessica

“Empowering word choice will enhance your dating experience”

Jessica: I heard you had a very successful experience using an online dating service, can you please share your story with our members?

Bob: Jessica, I am delighted to share our story.  Nancy and I met on an online dating service in October of 2002.  We both appreciated how the technology provided us the opportunity.  We lived 65 miles apart (near the Dallas metroplex).   After connecting through the site’s messaging system, we shared some emails and phone calls—realized there was a great chemistry starting, and decided to meet.  Actually, Nancy was the one who said, “I have a day off on Thursday, how about I come to Sherman and you take me out to dinner?”  I loved her spirit, and anxiously awaited her arrival at the restaurant.

The first meeting was very special.  That chemistry we both thought was there?…… was overwhelmingly there!!!  We had a great dinner, went to Wal-Mart and purchased a DVD player so we could view the 20th Anniversary of E.T. together.  We had a great first date.  We both knew we had something special happening.  I will always remember watching her leave the restaurant parking lot where we had left her vehicle parked, and turning the wrong way on a one-way street to get back on the highway.  I called her on her cell and asked if she realized it, and she smiled and said “NO, I think I had you very much on my mind at that moment!”  It was a cute moment.  Thankfully traffic around mid-night was usually pretty sparse.

We both shared our goals and dreams in our profiles, and saw many similar interests.  (BTW, that suggestion that “opposites attract”…..for me is generally a statement of the north and south ends of two magnets.)  We were definitely attracted to our many similar interests and respectfully asked about new ones that presented themselves.

Here is the body of my profile:
“Seeking a romantic partner for many moonlit walks, cerebral conversation and more…..”

“Hi, romantic gentleman seeking a companion for a long term relationship. Love spending a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast on the spur of the moment, or taking in a sporting event, or going for a moonlit walk, or an evening snuggled up on the couch and watching a romantic movie…. or dressing up for a wonderful night of dinner and dancing… I know there is a very special lady out there who would like to be cherished and appreciated… Maybe we are playing touch football and end up in each other’s arms…. with that, “you know…. special eye gaze…. the one that leads to an innocent kiss….” or we take a drive to the beach and jump off the sand dunes…. or enjoy the excitement of Vegas….or take in a NASCAR race at Texas Motor Speedway… or enjoy each other’s company in a provocative cerebral conversation…or share our joy of knowing Christ and the wonders of His Grace… My education is in Psychology with a Masters in Counseling. I have an extensive sales background and have owned an ice cream restaurant…. would love to share a banana split with you…. (Can tie the cherry stem in a knot, with no hands…..) I love life and seek to enjoy it with a companion who enjoys a wide range of stuff. Have done fire walks with Tony Robbins and sky dived… love to travel (only need Oregon, Washington and Alaska to finish the 50 states). Would you like to help me finish??? Need to return to Stonehenge and London and Limerick, Ireland…. Can be serious and funny back to back…. am devoted to my partners needs… and love to send flowers just because… you are who you are. Let’s connect and see what we can create in the magical moment category. Am looking to make each day a special memory. Come play with me.

My ideal match loves life and is open to spur of the moment travels, engaging cerebral conversations, dressing up for a romantic candlelight dinner, slow dancing… or making snow angels…. I really am seeking someone who would like to be appreciated for who she is. I desire a partner for special moments and memories to be made. Come play with me, and let’s explore life’s challenges together. When the two of us put our heads together, we can create whatever we want. Maybe it is a joint entrepreneurial endeavor… or finding that great bargain at a flea market. Spiritually we can explore the great wonders of His wonderful world. Will you join me for some everlasting magical moments?”

She made me wait four days for a response to my initial email to her…..and it was soooooo worth it!  We began dating; both realized we needed to shut down our profiles, and focused our energies on building a great friendship with passion and love.

Jessica: How can your book, “Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts”, help our members find that special someone?

Bob: Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts (RTI) helps you to articulate your message more effectively, while removing confusing doubt in what it is you want to say.

In finding that special someone, we want to come across at our best.  RTI is about helping you to attract the life you want through empowering word choice.  The main focus is to describe what you are looking for in a partner; share your interests and your goals with empowering words and then realize the long term effects of unrealistic expectations as this may do some serious damage to a great relationship.

Here are a couple of examples from Chapter 3 of Remember the Ice and Other Paradigm Shifts that show how couples take dis-empowering word choice and make some changes to enhance their situation.

“If you loved me, you would buy me flowers every Friday.”

“If you cared about our marriage, I would never have to see piles of dirty laundry.”

“If you really wanted to make me believe you were a hard worker and wanted to keep your job, you would work overtime without pay.”

These are unreasonable demands that present the person speaking as the victim of disappointment while the person whose feelings they’re actually abusing is made to feel like a heel or a failure. Learn to recognize when someone is trying to should on you, and put a stop to it with some good, clear word choice.

“You know I love flowers,” Daphne said accusingly to her husband, “If you loved me, you would buy me flowers every week.”

Daphne’s husband had a choice. He could respond with excuses or reasons for failing to buy her the flowers she had always wanted, and make a promise to begin the habit right away. This choice would really strip him of choice; if he ever forgets to buy flowers he’d be back to being the failure, who is unable to love his wife or refuses to show his love. It would also lock him into the obligation of expressing his feelings according to her beliefs, and rob him of the right to express his feelings his way.

His second choice, and the only way to handle the situation, was to refuse to dignify her accusation by jumping to his own defense. Instead, after exploring the subject, we came up with a truthful response that rejected her “should” but also respected her needs and his.

Daphne’s husband said calmly, “I do know you love flowers. I love you, and I love to see the way your face lights up when I surprise you with a bouquet. That surprise is part of my gift to you and to myself. To me, buying you flowers every week would take the surprise and the romance out of it. I will continue to give you flowers when I am inspired to buy them. When I do, it will be to express how much I love you even on the days when I come home empty-handed. I still love you just as much when I have no flowers with me.”

Daphne was satisfied. It occurred to her that his way of showing his love was much better than doing things according to her schedule. His words enabled her to see the gift of flowers differently, and she was able to shift her paradigm from feeling neglected to understanding she was actually adored.

The accusation that demonstrations of love are somehow tied into housework has caused a lot of pain and frustration in many, many marriages. Life is full of activities, unexpected visitors, errands and other curve balls. Throw children and their needs, toys, school events, sporting events and random spillages into the mix, and you have full plates for everyone in the house.

To put pressure on one person to prove their love by making sure the laundry is always done, or there are no dishes in the sink, the car always has gas in it, the lawn is always groomed or the house is always spotless is extremely unfair and selfish. In reality, maintaining perfection in a family home is an impossible goal.

Equating love with the ability to meet unreasonable expectations sets the other person up to believe they are failing you, your marriage and their own role as your spouse the first time they are unable to manage everything at once and see the disappointment or accusation in your face when you notice the dirty dishes or pile of laundry.

Jessica: Your book focuses on proper word choice and gives tips on how to “un-tie the (k)nots.”  What are the most widely used “(k)nots”?  Please give our members a brief explanation of what you mean by un-tying the “(k)nots” in your speech; and how to “un-tie the (k)not” in a sentence.

Bob: Great question Jessica.  (K)nots are bad enough on their own.  But they also sneak into our rhetoric in alarming numbers by attaching themselves to other words, creating the monsters that are featured on what I like to call my “Not, and the Hit List Six:

Not, Don’t, Can’t, Won’t, Wouldn’t, Couldn’t, Shouldn’t,

The best story of un-tying the “(k)nots” is the one that is the backbone of the concept:

“Remember the Ice” is a perfect example of the power in clarifying your message.

In a convenience store on Northern Avenue in Phoenix, Arizona, the manager had placed a couple of signs above his cash registers. Rick’s intention was to encourage his patrons to buy more ice during the hot desert summer.

I lived across the street from this store and came to know him fairly well. One day when I stepped up to the counter to make a purchase, I glanced again at the two signs above his cash registers that read “DON’T FORGET THE ICE” and decided to ask him how his ice sales were going.

You may think this was a strange question, but I have always been intrigued by the juxtaposition of words. I am also intrigued by the outcomes of behavior and how the two are intertwined.

Rick replied that ice sales were slow; he was unable to move his inventory with any speed or consistency, and most of it just sat there. We were in Phoenix, in the desert, in the middle of summer where it was 110 degrees in the shade on a cool day.

“Can I make a suggestion?” I asked. “Do you have a couple of pieces of paper and a Magic Marker I could use?” He gave me the items and I quickly made two new signs for him to place above his cash registers instead. The new signs read:

“REMEMBER THE ICE!!!”

I left with a knowing smile and purposely stayed away for about three weeks. When I did go back to the store, I spoke with Rick about his recent ice sales.

He was having difficulty keeping up with demand.

“I have had to triple my order in the last three weeks,” he said. “Sales are great.”

I smiled and explained what I had done. “If I say to you,” I began, “‘Don’t think of the color blue,’, what color do you immediately think of?”

“Why, blue of course,” he replied.

“Of course,” I grinned. “Now, if I say ‘Don’t Forget the Ice’, what will you forget?”

“Hmm … the ice!”

“Right.”

With a simple shift in word choice, Rick noticed a considerable increase in his ice sales. He shared the following with me:

“Bob, as the customers stand at the counter to check out, they look up, see the new sign – ‘Remember the Ice’ – and usually say, ‘By the way, add a couple of bags of ice as well.’ They pay for their items, pick up their ice from the freezer outside the door, and go on their way.”

I love this story. It reminds me just how powerful a shift in speech can be.

Now that we have identified the “Not and the Hit List Six” as the words to eradicate first from your vocabulary, lets look at a few sentences and give your readers an opportunity to try it on their own.

Reframe the following statements from an empowered point of view and eradicate the “(k)nots.”

Don’t you ever do that again. I mean it.

I don’t want you making a mess.

What if I can’t make it?

I can’t see myself ever reaching that goal.

I don’t want to deal with it.

Jessica: In your book you discuss how physiology reflects your word choice.  Please explain what that means and how our members can use that to their advantage while on a date?

Bob: Having congruency between your word choice and your physiology is critical in articulating a clear message.   Here is an excerpt from the book that helps to illustrate this:

There is power in the physiology of your articulation. Believe it and understand it. Pay attention to it and practice it.

Physiology is the next part of the communication package that requires your attention, maybe an overhaul, definitely some fine-tuning at the least.

When you master the physical nuances that echo and support your verbal messages, you will find your entire skill set gelling together in an empowering and highly effective congruence.

Your physiology can strengthen or weaken your message in astounding ways. It can affect your mood and feelings about what you are thinking and saying, as well as the mood and feelings – indeed the entire perspective – of the person you are talking to.

An easy way to understand the role of physiology in your articulation is to think in terms of body language. Shaking your head back and forth indicates a negative response to what is being said; nodding it up and down indicates a positive; folding your arms across your chest indicates rejection or an unwillingness to listen.

The most common mistake I see people make on a daily basis is shaking their head “no” when their mouths say, “Yes.” It’s an unintentional cue that they’re unwilling or unable to agree with what is being said. This is an example of lacking clarity in the physiology of your articulation. It’s as confusing as the (k)nots are to your message.

Another classic stance that confuses your message is when you say you’re listening while your arms are crossed. I equate it to physical sarcasm, and it leaves a nasty taste in the other person’s mouth.

Jessica: At Safer Dates, safety is our top priority, which is why we recommend getting to know someone through communicating in our online features before giving out a phone number or meeting in person.  Is it easier to practice un-tying the “(k)nots” by using these online features because they give our members time to “weigh” their words?

Bob: Absolutely!!  Here is a very safe place to work on having Power in the Clarity of your Articulation.  I would highly recommend it in general emails as well, even in one’s business or personal emails.  It is always easier to go back and edit before you hit the send button.

Jessica: What’s the best way for our members to start practicing your recommended shift in communicating so they avoid becoming overwhelmed?

Bob: The main skill I focus on in my training is how to become an excellent questioner – a very specific questioner.  Specificity is an important concept.  The best questions I used while making my shift of eradicating the “(k)notty words” was: “What am I wanting to have happen?”  or “What would you like to have me do?”  Also, I used the statement, “So what you are saying is that you would like me to……”
It became an exercise in specific clarity and effective word choice.

Jessica: What five things can our members do after reading this interview that will help them better articulate their desires through their Safer Dates profiles?

Bob: Jessica, here are some quick yet insightful things your members and readers can do right away.

1.    First of all, I absolutely concur with one of your previous contributors, Yvonne Rice:  Write your profile with a smile.  AND eradicate any of the “(k)notty” words.

2.    Focus on the specificity of what you want to attract in a partner.  Be congruent in your message.  Tell your perspective partner what you would like to have in this special relationship.

3.    Let your new skill of eradicating the “(k)nots” seep over into communicating with family members, friends and business associates.  You will be surprised at the enhanced communication.

4.    Be diligent with your awareness of “those words” and really focus on the specificity and effective questions.

5.    Remember to work on this consistently and have fun.  Be congruent.  Raise your awareness.  And most of all — Be safe!